The key to belonging may be more within your reach than you think. You don’t need to become more interesting, more confident, or less awkward. You may simply need to become more psychologically flexible.
Psychological flexibility is your capacity to stay present, open to your inner experience, and engaged with what matters to you—even when things feel uncomfortable. Researchers have been studying this capacity for decades, and it turns out that when you are more psychologically flexible, you are not only less likely to struggle with anxiety and depression, you are also more capable of pursuing what matters to you. That might mean repairing strained relationships, joining the exercise class you feel anxious about, or starting the book club you know would bring more conversation and connection into your life.
Our sense of belonging may be shaped, at least in part, by how we respond to the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when we reach for connection.
A recent study of more than 16,000 undergraduate students at 104 U.S. colleges and universities found that greater psychological flexibility was associated with a stronger sense of belonging. The study does not prove that flexibility causes belonging, but it points to something hopeful: Our sense of belonging may be shaped, at least in part, by how we respond to the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when we reach for connection.
Here are six ways to begin.
1. Get Emotionally Flexible
Emotional flexibility is your capacity to make room for the range of feelings that can come with being part of a group—whether you’re feeling left out, awkward, or nervous—without becoming overwhelmed by those emotions or needing to suppress them.
Meeting new people can feel awkward, getting past small talk can be tedious, and encountering people with different views can sometimes be irritating.
Sometimes our emotions give us important information. Maybe you are dreading that work event because there’s heavy drinking, and it doesn’t align with your values. That discomfort may be worth listening to. At other times, feeling uncomfortable is simply part of the experience. Meeting new people can feel awkward, getting past small talk can be tedious, and encountering people with different views can sometimes be irritating.
Try this small emotional flexibility practice: Imagine placing the feelings you’re having about a social situation into a backpack. How do you want to carry them? Do you want to shift the weight from side to side? Find someone to help you carry it? Or perhaps offer yourself some self compassion along the way? You may not get to decide what is inside the backpack, but you can decide how you carry it into your next interaction.
Every so often, look inside. Do these feelings have useful information for you? Do they need care or attention? If not, adjust the straps and bring them along.
2. Step Back From Your Thoughts
Your mind can be the world’s worst co-pilot when it comes to social situations. It compares you to others, judges you, makes negative predictions and sometimes is just plain mean.
Cognitive defusion is the practice of stepping back from our thoughts rather than automatically treating them as facts.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), cognitive defusion is the practice of stepping back from our thoughts rather than automatically treating them as facts.
Before entering a social event, write down some of the thoughts you’re having. Just noting a thought is a thought, helps you get some space from it. You get to decide if you want to take your mind’s advice, or just say thank you and move on.
Try this cognitive defusion practice: When unhelpful thoughts return, try responding: “Thank you, mind. I know you are trying to help me. And I’ve decided to do this.”
The goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. It is to stop allowing them to make all your social decisions.
3. Develop a Bigger Sense of Self
When we feel as though we don’t belong, we often see ourselves through a narrow lens: I am not good at conversation. I am the only person who doesn’t know someone here. I never make a good first impression.
You know you are limiting yourself when you use phrases like: I am, I always, I never, I am the only one who…
You know you are limiting yourself when you use phrases like:
I am, I always, I never, I am the only one who…
These kinds of statements can make a passing experience feel like a permanent part of who we are. But pretty much everyone has felt socially awkward at one time or another, and nearly everyone longs to belong. And chances are, you aren’t always this way.
Try this self-flexibility practice: When you notice a narrow view of yourself taking over, see whether you can become more flexible with your idea of “me.” Can you notice someone else who may be feeling similarly? Can you recognize a way that you are already connected—through your nervousness, or simply by sharing this moment? And can you see yourself as someone who isn’t defined by “always” and “never”? What changes when you make room for sometimes instead?
4. Plug Into Your Deeper Values
In ACT, values describe how you want to show up in your life. They are qualities of action— such as courageously, warmly, playfully, honestly, or presently.
Before entering a social situation, try this values practice. Ask yourself:
How do I want to make others feel?
How do I want to show up?
If I already felt like I fit in, how would I act?
These questions help you identify how you want to participate and connect with others. You don’t have to wait until you feel confident or included. In fact, the more you act in alignment with your values, the more you may begin to experience yourself as someone who already belongs.
5. Develop flexible attention
Social anxiety has a way of pulling our attention inward. It shines a spotlight on how we look, whether we’re stumbling over our words, or what might go wrong next.
Try being more flexible with your attention. Notice your feet on the floor, listen to what the other person has to say, or take in the group as a whole. Shifting your focus like this can help you become less caught up in self-consciousness and more aware of what’s happening around you. There’s more to the scene than the words you are saying.
Try this attentional flexibility practice: When you notice yourself getting caught up in comparison or self-judgment, try shifting your attention. What are five things you see? What are four things you hear? What are three things you care about? What are two people you want to meet? What is one thing that matters most to you right now?
When you feel the longing to belong, try acting on it in a small way.
We build belonging one small connection at a time.
When you feel the longing to belong, try acting on it in a small way. At the grocery store, strike up a conversation with the person grabbing lettuce next to you (“What salad are you making?”) At school pickup, get out of your car and wait with other caregivers (“Who’s your kid?”). If you are waiting for a yoga class to start, talk to the person next to you (“Have taken this class before?”) If someone is sharing the space with you, you already have something in common. It takes courage to make that move, but small gestures like these can open the door to meaningful connections over time.
Use your other psychological flexibility skills to support you! Make room for discomfort, step back from unhelpful thoughts, shift your attention away from self-judgement, broaden your perspective, and remember why you want to connect in the first place.
Psychological flexibility offers you a greater range of ways to respond, even when you feel like you don’t quite fit in. You can make room for anxiety, step back from your mind’s commentary, widen your sense of self, orient toward your values, return to the present, and make one small move toward connection.
Try out some of these skills, and you will notice, belonging is something you co-create, one flexible move at a time.
